My Journey With God

My Life has been quite the journey. In my youth, I turned my back on God. I felt weak even though my body was strong, and I started looking for strength in all the wrong places. I dated a girl who was into witchcraft. That is a false, evil power, one you don’t want to be a part of. I involved myself with the dark side and paid the price.
In my 20’s I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. It was very alarming. I was at work when I went full on psychotic. I saw humanoid, shadowy creatures crawling on the ceiling of the store I worked at. They were watching me.
As far back as junior high I heard voices. I believed that they were good and bad like the angels and demons on the shoulders of many cartoon characters. Life was scary and confusing, and I was constantly bombarded with voices. My hallucinations made it so I lived in my own personal horror movie.
I talked to a friend I worked with about maybe seeing a psychiatrist. His girlfriend was going to school to become one. He talked to her, and I was referred to one of her friends. While at one of the appointments, the main voice took over. It was like I was in the back seat of my own mind helplessly watching as this… thing took control.
The psychologist stayed calm, and once I regained control of myself, she asked if I would be willing to go to the hospital to get some pills, and in my desperation, I replied “yes, I can do that.” I headed to the hospital. She called ahead and when I gave the nurse in Admitting my name, a guard came and brought me to a small room in the back with padded walls. The guard stood outside while I was interviewed by a psychiatrist in the hospital. I was admitted that very night and stayed a few months.
While I was in the psychiatric ward, I began to realize there was a spiritual aspect to all I was going through. The hospital had a chapel, and every time I walked near it, the voices would scream. That’s when I realized I needed the God I once had known as a child. I cried out to God for relief, for some sort of silence. I did not know God the way I wanted to, so I started taking Christian courses such as Alpha, so I could learn more about Him. In one of these courses, I had my first powerful experience with God. The voices in my head were ramping up louder, making it very difficult to pay attention. I closed my eyes, and asked God to send His peace. At that moment, I heard the most powerful SSSHHHH I have ever heard, before or since. Peace came to me for the first time in 8 years. The voices had been silenced! I could pay attention to the lesson, and proceeded to learn about God’s grace.
My mom helped me through all this as much as she was able. It really began to help when she let the Holy Spirit lead her. Things had gotten bad again, and the voices in my head for all those years began talking through me. Most people were afraid and would not continue to be around me. Not my mom. She was brave and continued to fight the battle.
Once I became well enough, I moved out on my own. I forced myself to go to church as often as possible. The voices did not like church. I kept attending, regardless of what was going on inside my head. I knew in my heart who God was.
One day at church I was having an especially bad day with psychosis. I could not even hear what the pastor was talking about, but still felt led to be there. As I sat in my pew, the voices told me to set fire to the hair of the lady in front of me, all because her hair was messy, like usual I did not act on what they were saying. Then, the pastor asked if any one needed to be prayed over, and I raised my hand.
People surrounded me and laid their hands on me. They began to pray not one of them knowing what I was fighting within. As they prayed, I felt the darkness get pulled out of me. It was as if a kind of deep-rooted weed being was torn out through my forehead. I could feel the roots of my deepest being exercised. As soon as they were finished praying, I felt that the peace and quiet I had longed for so long had arrived. I was free and fully aware of my God. He healed me in an instant from an illness the doctors said I would have to live with for the rest of my life! I continue to live in that freedom, and I am grateful every day for God’s grace.
God is greater than schizophrenia and any condition or label. I focus on Him, and I am able to find His voice and peace. I wanted to share this to let all of you going through a battle others can’t see; that God sees it, and He can redeem it for his Glory. Put as much focus as you can on God, even if it is just being in His presence or with His people, for God just wants to love us and be loved.